Where is Your Wife Sarah? (Gen. 18:9)

We read in the opening verse of chapter 18 of Genesis that God appears to Abraham. Abraham, though, is distracted by the sight of three travelers nearby. He asks God to wait and runs off to greet them. God, so to speak, is left standing by, over-hearing the subsequent interaction of Abraham with them. To Abraham, the three are simply ‘men’ but – as he and the reader will soon understand – they are actually Divine Messengers bearing an announcement. They will tell Abraham something that he, and we, already know from reading the previous chapter: Abraham’s wife, now named Sarah, will bear him a son in a year, and God will establish His covenant with him as an everlasting covenant for his descendants after him (Gen. 17:19).

However, there is indeed some new information presented. We understand immediately (and perhaps surprisingly) that Abraham had not shared the news with Sarah right after he heard it. How could that be? For decades Abraham and Sarah, until then called Sarai, had been hoping for a child, and when God told him that his dreams would indeed be fulfilled, he laughed with joy. How could he have not run to tell his wife so that she could share in his delight?

Ramban (to Gen. 18:1) suggests that perhaps it was due to his great diligence in fulfilling commandments and that he was preoccupied with his circumcision and of his large male household. Days later, he was sitting comfortably by his tent’s entrance and was quick to run to her to tell her to prepare food for the guests. Surely there was enough time to gladden her heart with the miraculous news. Eitan Mayer suggests that Abraham had not shared the good news with Sarah because he was still hoping that God would relent and accept Ishmael, and there was no need to inform Sarah of her intended magisterial role and then hurt her when it would be withdrawn (“No News is Bad News: Beneath the Surface of Genesis 18,” Tradition, 53:4, Fall 2021, p. 110). But there is no indication that Abraham would continue to press the idea (as he later did in “negotiating” for Sodom). We shall suggest that it was Abraham’s insensitivity towards Sarah’s importance that was the reason for not informing her.

We should not be hesitant to criticize this insensitivity on Abraham’s part. As Rabbi Shimshon Raphael Hirsch taught: “The Torah never presents our great men as being perfect; it deifies no man, says of none ‘here you have the ideal, in this man the Divine became human.’ Altogether it puts the life of no man before us as the pattern out of which we are to learn what is right and good, what we have to do, what to refrain from doing. Where the Word of God would set a pattern before us to imitate, it places no man born of dust; there God says ‘Look at me, imitate Me, wander in My ways.’ We are never to say: This must be right for not did so-and-so do it! The Torah is no collection of examples of saints.’ It relates what occurred, not because it is exemplary but because it did occur” (Commentary to Genesis 12:10).

We shall soon see that the visitors had come to gently rebuke Abraham, not simply to inform Sarah of the important information that had held back from her. Indeed this is not the first time Abraham had treated Sarah insensitively. In chapter 15 Abraham mentions only his childlessness and not that of Sarah (vs. 2 and 3) and Rashi (to 16:5) quotes Sarah as rebuking Abraham for not praying for her.

When God first informed Abraham that his covenant would be fulfilled through a son of Sarah, He said, I will bless her and will give by her a son for you [natati mimena lekha ben] (17:16). The phrase leka ben is repeated in verses 19 and 21. Abraham apparently misses the point that Sarah is an essential component of the blessing and suggested that he and she might be too old and could not Ishmael be the one who lives out the covenant (v. 18). He hears lekha, understanding that the key concern was that the child be his. God insists otherwise, always referring to Sarah as ishtekha, your wife. That is her title and standing; she is not a concubine like Hagar whose son Ishmael, also a son of Abraham, will not inherit the covenant.

Abraham’s insensitivity to Sarah is further exhibited when he greets the three Visitors. We are so impressed with his personally rushing around to arrange hospitality that we miss the fact that he addresses her as one of the staff. He runs to her tent, commanding her, Quick! Get three seahs of the finest flour and knead it and bake some cakes (Gen. 18:6). After all, she is the mistress of a large and important household that has over many years entertained many important guests. Surely she knew to use the finest flour and what to do with it! Ketav Sofer (Rabbi Samuel Schreiber, son of Hatam Sofer) sees the Visitors’ question Where is your wife Sarah (Gen. 18:9) as a query as to why she was not also there to co-host them (Commentary to Va-yerah, p. 69).

Actually, the simple question Where is your wife Sarah is pregnant with meaning. The Visitors have come to see Sarah, not Abraham. She is given her full title, ishtekha, and is called Sarah. Abraham must have been surprised that they knew his wife’s new name even though he had not shared his prophecy. He must have now realized that they were Divine Messengers.

Now, if this were a simple request to have Sarah present to hear their communication, we would have expected them to follow Abraham’s response to their question with a request, “Bring her here.” But they do not, because they know who and where she is; they are, after all, Divine Messengers.

When God had called to Adam, Where are you [Ayekha] (Gen. 3:9), He was asking him to understand his actions, not to reveal his physical location. So too when He asked Cain, Where is your brother Abel? (Gen. 4:9). The Visitors here are asking Abraham to understand his relationship with Sarah and correct it. They are making a statement in the form of a question.

Sarah is not there, says Rabbi Joseph B. Soloveitchik, because she is modest, humble, and self-effacing. “She enters the stage when she is called upon, acts her part with love and devotion in a dim corner of the stage, and then leaves softly by a side door without applause and without the enthusiastic response of the audience which is hardly aware of her. She returns to her tent, to anonymity and retreat. Only sensitive people know the truth. Only three travelers inquired about her. These travelers were not ordinary people whose eyes see only the surface. They were the angels of God. Their glimpse penetrated and apprehended the image of the true leader, teacher, prophetess, to whom everything should be credited. Nonchalantly they remarked, ‘Where is Sarah, your wife?’ In other words, we know that without her you could not play the part that God assigned to you. Where is she? Why do not people know the truth? Why has she been just trailing behind you? Why did she not march in front of you? After all, the covenant cannot and will not be realized without her. Abraham answered tersely, ‘She is in the tent’” (Family Redeemed, p. 121).

But she is not in the tent; she is behind Abraham, at the entrance to the tent. He cannot see her but the Visitors can, so one of them delivers their tidings. It is addressed to Abraham and not directly to Sarah, despite the fact that God does not hesitate to send his messengers directly to women to reveal news of their forthcoming pregnancy, something to which Manoah and his wife can testify (Judges 18). They speak to Abraham because they have a subtle new message for him: I will surely return to you about this time next year, and Sarah your wife will have a son (Gen. 18:10). The verse states Hinei ben le-Sarah ishteha, not Hinei ben lekha le-Sarah ishteha (so too v. 14). There is no word lekha here that would allow for a misunderstanding that the key concern was that the child be his, a misunderstanding that allowed him to suggest (in Genesis 17:18) that Ishmael might be his covenantal heir. There should be no confusion here; this is not about Abraham alone; Sarah is an integral part of the covenant. “It is quite interesting that although Abraham survived Sarah by thirty-eight years, his historical role came to an end with Sarah’s passing,” notes Rabbi Soloveitchik; “Without Sarah there would be no Abraham” (Family Redeemed, p. 121).

Sarah responds to the prediction she has deliberately been allowed to overhear: So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, “After I am worn out and my lord is old, will I now have this pleasure?” (Gen. 18:11). This is exactly how Abraham responded when he had heard God’s promise. Abraham fell facedown; he laughed and said to himself, “Will a son be born to a man a hundred years old? Will Sarah bear a child at the age of ninety?” (Gen. 17:17). Sarah had no way of knowing the status of these travelers; why then should she be reprimanded for doubting them, “Is anything too hard for the Lord?” (Gen. 18:14).

But it is not Sarah who is being reprimanded; it is Abraham. God Himself re-enters the scene to chastise him: Why did Sarah act as she did? But in what way is it Abraham and not Sarah who is responsible for this expression of doubt? Why was Abraham not called to task when he had previously responded in a similar fashion?

Doubt is normal and healthy, even for Knights of Faith. It calls for reassurance and not condemnation. What is unacceptable is needlessly causing doubt. Sarah would not have expressed any doubt if Abraham had immediately shared God’s prophecy to her! Why did Sarah respond as she did, asks God of Abraham. It is because of your thoughtlessness in not sharing with her that her prayers will finally be realized.

While admonishing Abraham, God takes the liberty, so to speak, to misquote Sarah. She had thought, “After I am worn out and my lord is old, will I now have this pleasure?” (Gen. 18:12). But God quotes her differently, “Why did Sarah laugh and say, ‘Will I really have a child, now that I am old?’” (Gen. 18:12). God does not mention that she had doubted Abraham and not only her own old age. There was no need to create potential tension between Abraham and Sarah. The issue was her doubting God, not doubting Abraham. Shalom-bayit, the goal of avoiding unnecessary interpersonal tension, sometimes requires a “white lie.”

Then we are told, Sarah was afraid, so she said, “I did not laugh” (Gen. 18:15). But of what consequence could Sarah have been afraid; what punishment was she trying to escape with a bold-face lie? As she hears Abraham being chastised for her thoughts, she notices that God has misstated an important fact. He said she had said that she doubted, but she had only thought it. She said, I did not laugh aloud; I would not say such things publicly. No, God comforts her. Yes, but it wouldn’t have mattered either way. You had simply expressed your honest feelings, not knowing it was inconsistent with a divine prophecy. No negative consequences for you are to be feared. Indeed, as the story of Abraham and Sarah unfolds, God subsequently makes clear of Sarah’s prominence when He instructs Abraham: Listen to whatever Sarah tells you (Gen. 21:11).

Verse 15 is the last one related to this episode, and verse 16 begins a new topic: Sodom. But the traditional public Torah reading for Shabbat begins the second aliya not with verse 16 but rather verse 15, that which should have been the end of the first episode. This tying together of the two episodes has a message for Abraham and the contemporary reader.

Are we not startled when we hear God say, “Shall I hide from Abraham what I am about to do?” (Gen. 18:17). Does God really need consultations with Abraham in order to figure out how to rule His world? He holds shared discussions but not consultations. They are necessary because “I have chosen him” (Gen. 18:19). Sharing must be an integral component of mutually committed relationships.

After taking Abraham to task for not immediately sharing his exciting news with his wife, God teaches by example and shares His thoughts with Abraham. In doing this, God teaches the reader an important insight. God does not look to choose perfect people. This is not to denigrate Abraham; it is to encourage us. Abraham is no model for us if he makes no mistakes. But if God follows a rebuke of him with an immediate affirmation of their continued close relationship, we are better disposed to not be overwhelmed by recognizing our own failures.